Illegal Jesus

Oatmeal and Red States

Posted in Uncategorized by indiegoddess on November 20, 2008

There’s a secret to making oatmeal. I just haven’t learned it yet.

I went to bed in a country that elected Barack Obama president, and woke up in a state where my queer friends aren’t allowed to get married, and in the process, I broke a window shade, dealt with a disheartened Pachyderm (whose Noni determined there were to be no peanuts before bed,*) and obliterated the inside of a microwave with mushy, sticky, cooked oatmeal.

Now, at home, I almost have it down. I can put that 1/2 C of oats in, the 1 C of water, stick it in one of our $0.50 matching bowls from the thrift store (we got an entire set! of black plates, cups, saucers, mugs, bowls, dessert plates! for like $13.00! Sometimes being poor is good!) and stick it in the microwave for 2 minutes. It comes thisclose to boiling over, but then RIGHT WHEN IT’S ABOUT TO, beep goes the timer and fwoosh settles the oatmeal and HAZARD AVERTED.

My mom’s oatmeal says “COOKS IN 5 MINUTES!!” on the front of the package. Like this is a good thing. And no, don’t get me started on cookitallnightlong Irish Oatmeal, I’m talking basic every day oaty oatmeal. Five minutes. So I look at the description and it says to cook it at half power for five minutes. Half power? What the fuck is that? I’m motherfucking INDIE GODDESS and I do not do anything at half power.

Except cook my mom’s oatmeal.

So I figured out how to half-power her microwave – a complicated process involving a steam engine and several Clydesdales. I set it all up, then walked away to find my Sensodyne (yes, I’ve yet to finish unpacking. Today is a laundry day! What a college student am I?!).

I came back to the Apocalypse. Inside a microwave.

It’s all cleaned up now, never say I’m not a good daughter. And the broken screen is propped up on itself awaiting the masterful touch of Tobyhanna (she that used to rummage through my garbage for half broken pencils and put them right back in my desk can certainly fix an old screen, right? Right?


Shit, I’m really fucked, huh?

The moral of this story, and there is one, I promise…The moral of this story is…My mother’s house is now broken. And the only thing that changed between yesterday morning and this morning was the presence of ME. Now, everyone says that Barack Obama is the anti-Christ, and that the apocalypse is coming (beep me), and that Seckrit Muzlimz are going to eat us in our sleep…

But know this. Never forget this (when I found you you were so slobbering drunk you couldn’t buy brandy!!) – For the last three years I’ve been living in a red state. Yes, we did the right thing. Yes, we could. Yes, we did. Yes, we went blue.

But after 30 years of being idiots in North Carolina, God still has a bone to pick with us.

Hence the oatmeal.

* Luckily, his Noni is not the be-all and end-all in Pachyderm peanut procurement.


4 Responses

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  1. writerwriting said, on November 20, 2008 at 3:53 pm

    Ouisi and I had a cuddle last night and shed a few tears over the missing of Pachyderms and Indie Goddesses. When we went to bed, we were all a little depressed that The Office was missing but we voted on season 2 of House and then settled down for a toasty slumber under many blankets.

    You give me more oatmeal than I gave myself this morning. Must remedy that. My stomach is currently eating itself.

    This morning, I dreamed that I was Charlie to Obama’s Bartlet. WIN.

  2. indiegoddess said, on November 20, 2008 at 3:57 pm

    Oh, friend! Tuck and I miss you very much.

    I give you a half a cup of oatmeal, how much oatmeal are you giving yourself, DUMB?

    Sorry, I had to try my sister’s habit of using adjectives as nouned insults.

  3. writerwriting said, on November 20, 2008 at 4:25 pm

    Half a cup. But it was frighteningly LESS. You must give me a generous half cup, Mister F.

  4. s said, on November 21, 2008 at 5:22 am

    lmao shut up, dumb.

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