Illegal Jesus

The Significance of Dates

Posted in personal by indiegoddess on October 17, 2008

Maybe I’m alone in this.

Has something ever happened to you… maybe years and years and years ago, and, no matter how many of those years have passed, the date of that occurrence still remains fresh in your mind?

No matter how much you distance yourself from that event, no matter how far removed your emotions…the date passes and it stirs up all of those things that you once thought about regularly? Reminds you of who you used to be and how things were when you felt the way you used to feel?

No matter how distanced you are, there just seem to be some…anniversaries that never completely leave you. They hang over your head like the black cloud in Winnie the Pooh, raining on your parade. Every time you look up, there it is. And then, once you’ve been reminded so thoroughly, for days and even weeks and, depending on what mood you were in when all the old emotions hit, even months after…it can shock you in its intensity.

Even if you really, really cannot stand it. Even if you beg and plead with whatever higher power you do or don’t believe in. There it is?

And really, you’ve moved on – or, really, you’ve made your peace, and you’re okay on a day to day basis. You’re alive and you’re functioning and you know that it’s never going to be the way it was, and you’ve started to understand that it will never be that way again and that means that life moves on and you move with it and you find new things to matter and new things to care about and you grow and change and life grows and changes with you…

But then those days come, and you remember, and for some length of time, it’s not okay anymore.

And you know it will be again. And sooner this time than the last time it happened, but still not soon enough, cause soon enough would be it never happening at all?

I don’t know if I really do want to come to the point in my life where I don’t remember. Part of me does, and part of me is shocked by the intensity of my emotions when these memories strike. And part of me, in this pit of depression that has nothing to do with old experiences and old memories, is stricken with how intensely I was once able to feel. And really, honestly forgetting would be like saying that something so significant to my life never meant as much as it did really, very much mean.

All the same, I’d prefer small rememberances that flit through my mind, barely noticed. Still there, but unimportant. It’s much more reassuring to know you have the ability to remember than to be forced into remembering so intensely that it hurts again. Even for a minute.


2 Responses

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  1. writerwriting said, on October 17, 2008 at 2:48 am

    You’re definitely not alone in this. At all.

  2. s said, on October 17, 2008 at 6:57 am

    i’ve finally read it, now that my internet is back up and working. i’m at a loss of words for what to say, really, i don’t even know what date came and went? but i wanted to comment anyway, just so you know i’m here again. xoxo

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